It feels good to just let it out.

For years I have been hurt by people, and sadly enough I have really let that effect me and my personal life. It really shows, I have a hard time opening up to people anymore because I have been let down so many times that I just can’t trust anyone. I can’t trust my family, I can’t trust my friends and most important I can’t trust the person I love the most. Its not his fault. I blame myself for letting other people effect my life in such a negative ways. I have never really done this before but I think it will help to let go of all the anger I have for certain individuals one at a time. Holding it in day after day only makes my life at the moment worse. I want to move on and I want to be happy I want to trust my boyfriend. and I want to learn how to trust other people. At this point of my life I’d rather be alone then have friends. Its a sad story.

My Mother - I blame her for neglecting me as a child, constantly leaving me alone and making other people she never knew take care of me. I blame her for taking my father away from me and putting me in danger of her ex husband who rapped me and beating me for 2 years of my childhood. I blame her for my anything but normal childhood. I have had to deal with so much that no child should ever have to deal with. I have seen so many things a child should never have to see. Which has made me the person I am today. A weak, insecure, broken girl. Witnessing Physical abuse, rape and verbal abuse is never a great feeling and it always stays with you. I have watched people beat both myself and my mother. I have watched people come into our home and strip her down naked and do drugs right in front of me. I have had to live in homeless shelters and foster care. and I have had to go through all that on my own. I hate my mother for sleeping with my ex boyfriend while I was out of town taking care of her mother, my grandmother. I hate her for never being a mother.

My Father - For never being there. My entire life I have had no father, and He should have protected me from everything. I’m his daughter. Most people have no idea what it is like to not have a father. and how it really effects my life everyday.

Jason - I blame him for taking control over my life at such a young age, I blame him for not letting me have friends, a life, taking over my money and I blame him for hurting me. He cheated on me in our home in our bed. I hate him for god i hate even saying this, but raping me anally while he was drunk forcing me down on the bed. I hate him for not letting me have a phone. I hated him for not letting me have a life.

Jalend - I blame him for Constantly lying to me, hiding things from me, and neglecting me with videos games and being fucked up in the head by telling me that his video game characters were more attractive then I will ever be. ::laughs:: I blame him for telling me that I was fat everyday at the weight of 90lbs. I hate him for always giving everyone else attention and making me stay in the bedroom by myself.

Denni - I hate myself for dating my best friend of 3 years. I hate myself for being stuck in denial for so long thinking he was the best thing I ever had. I focused way to much on the good days rather then the bad ones. I hate myself for being so blind to him. Our friendship before we dated was amazing, We were both vegetarians, loved wrestling, nature, liked going to hardcore shows. etc. we got along perfectly and we talked me into dating him.. I knew it was the worst idea ever. He got so needy and because of that he backed away from everything, that's when it all started. Brandi C came into town, I was not allowed to go out with them and he didn't come home that night. I really don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Colin - I hate Colin for hiding text messages from me, for pushing me up against the wall. Telling me to shut up all the time, Him telling me I am stupid. He was just an idiot. I hate him for cheating on me with Ashley

Ellen - For having sex with my ex every time I was not at home, then trying to be my friend. I found pictures of them together that Jalend tried to hide I knew something was going on. I hate both of them for lying to me for a year about it. She was suppose to be my best friend. We did everything together. I have not had a good female friend since.

Mel & Katie - People I really trusted as friends, and them turning on me for no reason at all. Judging me, hurting me with words, accusing me of being a person I am not. I have over come a lot in my life and they decided to use that against me in a negative way. FUCK THEM. They don't know who i am or who i can be. They have meaningless lives and I'm glad i am not apart of it anymore.

When these people tell you they love you and they only hurt you. How am I suppose to trust strangers? Everyone in my life that I have been close to have hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I want to be acknowledged as a person. I want someone to understand me and I want people to be nice to me. I'm fragile and I deserve to have good friends, and I deserve to have the best boyfriend. One that UNDERSTANDS the struggles I have been through growing up and the challenges I have faced as being a young adult in these types of past r'ships. I have NEVER had it easy once in my life, and Unless you have walked through my life in my shoes you will never fully get it but at least fucking try. I have a good boyfriend now he just doesn't think about a lot. Like last night he picked up the menu and ordered food without offering me to order anything cause I said I wanted boneless wings that did not mean I didn't want anything at all. Or putting all the house chores on me. he can't seem to get up and do anything his self its obvious that it needs to be done. the trash, the room, the dishes, etc. He needs to get out of the habit of “my mom did everything for me.” Cause, no offense but I work my ass off 40 hours a week. I should be able to relax too. Its stuff we should share as a couple living together.
He is aware of my needs but yet doesn't quite come through, Makes promises and doesn't follow them. I would be completely shocked if one day he just started rubbing my back without me having to ask, or the house was clean out of no where, If he complemented me like he use to, Just looking deep into my eyes, telling me how much he loves me again. He has lost sight of it all, and I don't know how. Its heartbreaking but there is only so much I can do and say with out driving him away from me completely, that or driving myself away from it all. JUST BE THE PERSON I MET MONTHS AGO.... nice, sweet, caring, affectionate, Take me for a walk, or take me to a picnic, these are all things he once was and or is more then capable of doing, Just care about me, I am his girlfriend. We talk about it and for about 2 days he is awesome and then it fades back to the person who can't acknowledge that I'm in the room. UGH! give me consistency. I deserve it..